Unlocking the Power of Fantasy

Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Posted July 19, 2026

The Allure of the Almost Unavailable

We’ve all been there – captivated by someone who seems just out of reach, someone who stays ‘almost unavailable.’ But what’s behind this fascination? Why do we find ourselves drawn to people who seem impossible to attain?

According to psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, people don’t live solely in fantasy or reality. Between the two lies a creative space, where imagination and possibility coexist. This is where we find the potential for growth and development.

In this space, we allow ourselves to imagine a future that’s still open-ended, where the story may never reach a definitive conclusion. It’s here that we can lose ourselves completely, reading a novel or watching a film, and still be willing to let the story continue to unfold.

The ‘almost unavailable’ figures may be the ones most able to keep a relationship suspended in this potential space. Because the relationship never truly enters reality, the fantasy doesn’t need to face reality’s test right away. We keep imagining, projecting, and giving the relationship new meaning.

This concept has made me rethink my own past writing on fantasy. While I’ve mostly discussed how fantasy can sustain psychological pathology, I’ve come to realize that there’s another side to it. Fantasy can indeed be a defense mechanism, but it can also be a driving force for growth and development.

Take, for example, a high-schooler preparing for medical school. They might fantasize about the day they’ll wear a white coat, but this isn’t an escape from reality. On the contrary, it’s a temporary psychological space that lets them keep trying on different versions of themselves, gradually growing toward the self they haven’t yet become.

The Power of Fantasy in Personal Development

Fantasy isn’t the opposite of reality; it’s a space that can nourish reality. When we allow ourselves to imagine a future that’s still open-ended, we’re giving reality a direction. We’re pushing ourselves to think about what we truly want, and who we hope to become.

British psychoanalyst Wilfred Bion was preoccupied with the question: Can a person bear ‘not knowing’? When we like someone, we always want an answer as fast as possible. But Bion points us toward another possibility: maturity isn’t about arriving at an answer right away. It’s the capacity to let a question go unanswered for a while, to keep thinking and feeling inside that uncertainty.

Looking back at those ‘almost unavailable’ people, perhaps what truly draws us to them isn’t only who they are, but the fact that they keep a question permanently open. These questions may never have answers, but it’s exactly because of that that they keep pushing us to think about what we truly want, and who we hope to become.

The Intersection of Fantasy and Reality

So, what’s the relationship between fantasy and reality? According to Winnicott, fantasy isn’t an escape from reality; it’s a space that can become a driving force for reality’s own development. When we allow ourselves to imagine a future that’s still open-ended, we’re giving reality a direction.

Of course, real-world boundaries must be respected. A professional ethic exists between teaching assistants and students, and it should never develop into an actual intimate relationship. But fantasy itself doesn’t necessarily need to be extinguished. A student can study harder because they admire a teaching assistant; can rethink their own future because they want to become someone like him; can, through a relationship that never truly began, experience for the first time what it feels like to genuinely admire someone, to idealise them, to feel that flutter of the heart.

Conclusion

So, is this kind of unresolved longing just an illusion destined to fade, or can it be something more—a psychologically meaningful space in its own right? Perhaps what truly draws us to ‘almost unavailable’ people was never the promise that it would become love. It’s that it keeps the future open.

And within that possibility that hasn’t yet been closed off, we slowly discover who we truly want to become.