Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.

Healing from abusive behavior is a long and challenging process, but it’s possible with the right approach and mindset. In the final two steps of my seven-step process, we will focus on giving a meaningful apology and completing our unfinished business from the past.

Step 6: Learn How to Give a Meaningful Apology and Experience Empathy

Apologizing for our abusive behavior is a crucial step in healing, not just for our partner or child, but for ourselves as well. A meaningful apology consists of three key elements: regret, responsibility, and remedy. Regret is an expression of empathy and acknowledgment of the hurt and damage we’ve caused. Responsibility is accepting full responsibility for our actions and their consequences. Remedy is a statement of our willingness to take action to make things right.

Before we can give a meaningful apology, we must develop empathy for those we’ve harmed. This can be a difficult but essential step in the healing process. To practice empathy, try to imagine how your partner or child must have felt when you treated them in a hurtful or abusive way. Think about the effects of your behavior on their self-esteem and how it may have damaged their self-image.

Practicing Empathy

Empathy is a skill that can be developed with practice. Try the following exercise to help you cultivate empathy:

• Imagine how your partner or child must have felt when you treated them in a hurtful or abusive way.
• Think about the effects of your behavior on their self-esteem and how it may have damaged their self-image.
• Consider how your behavior may have affected their ability to trust others and themselves.

By putting yourself in your partner’s or child’s shoes, you can begin to understand the depth of their pain and the impact of your behavior. This is a crucial step in healing and rebuilding your relationship.

Step 7: Continue to Work on Your Unfinished Business from the Past

Our unfinished business from the past can be a significant barrier to healing and growth. It’s essential to continue working on releasing our feelings of anger and pain towards those who have harmed us. This may involve confronting abusers, either directly or indirectly, and finding safe and constructive ways to release our emotions.

One effective way to confront our abusers is through writing a letter (that we don’t send) telling them how they harmed us and how we feel about what they did. This can be a powerful way to process our emotions and release our pain. Additionally, we can find safe and constructive ways to release our anger and pain, such as hitting a pillow or screaming into a journal.

Remember, healing from abusive behavior is a long and challenging process, but it’s possible with the right approach and mindset. By following these final two steps, you can begin to heal and rebuild your relationships.

References

Engel, Beverly (2025). Put Your Past in the Past: Why You May Be Reenacting Your Trauma and How to Stop. Minneapolis: Broadleaf Books.

Engel, Beverly (2023) The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How To Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.