Understanding Quiet Quitting in Relationships

Quiet quitting, a term originally used to describe a work strategy where one executes the bare minimum to get by without exceeding expectations, has been applied to other areas of life, including relationships. This concept can be applied to the relationship between a parent and child, particularly the complex bond between a mother and child.

In many cases, maintaining a relationship with one’s mother can provide essential resources, such as financial support or health insurance. However, this connection can also be emotionally draining and exhausting. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by your relationship with your mom, you might consider implementing a ‘low-contact’ strategy, also known as quiet quitting your mom.

Defining Low-Contact Relationships

There is no official definition for a low-contact relationship, and it can vary greatly from person to person. For some, it might mean avoiding one-on-one visits but staying in touch through text messages, emails, or quarterly phone calls. Others might find that limiting their interactions to once a week or even once a year is sufficient.

The reasons for going low-contact differ as much as the ways it can look. Generally, taking space can be beneficial when a relationship feels painful or draining, giving you more time, energy, and emotional bandwidth to focus on yourself and other important aspects of your life.

Therapist-Approved Steps for Quiet Quitting Your Mom

According to therapist Whitney Goodman, LMFT, going low-contact is essentially setting boundaries or defining what behavior you will or won’t tolerate. This process can be a series of experiments where you pull back from the relationship in different ways to see what feels good and what doesn’t.

Here are some therapist-approved steps to help you get started:

• Reflect on past boundary-setting attempts: If you’ve already tried to set boundaries with your mom in the past, reflect on how that went. If she was receptive to your boundaries, you might not need to cut as many points of contact to feel better about the relationship.
• Assess your current level of contact: Think about how much contact you have with your mom now. How often do you spend time together? What does that time look like? What would you change to make this relationship less taxing?
• Start small: Begin by taking a beat to check in with yourself before responding to your mom’s texts. If you don’t feel like dealing with her at that moment, don’t. You can always change it up later by removing another point of contact, like those unannounced visits, if you need more space.
• Communicate your boundaries (optional): If you’re not worried about your safety and your quiet quitting tactics mean your mom has to change her behavior, then laying out your plans could make sense. Explain why you put them in place to help resolve whatever is behind your decision to quiet quit this relationship.

Monitoring Progress and Making Adjustments

The best way to tell how going low-contact is working for you is to check in with your emotions as much as possible. You can write them down in your journal, use a mood- or emotions-tracking app, or bring them up to your therapist.

Remember, quiet quitting your mom is not a one-size-fits-all solution. You can always tweak how much contact you have with your mom, and ideally, this involves a continuous assessment of what’s working and what’s not.