… (continued)

“At a minimum, a good friend (even a busy one) will periodically check in out of curiosity and interest,” Tiana Leeds, LMFT, a therapist based in Santa Barbara, California, tells SELF. After all, someone who truly cares about you should want to know what’s going on in your life, which is why if they consistently don’t try to get in touch (or only expect you to do so), they may not be genuinely interested in your world.

2. They Expect You to Help with Their Problems Without Offering Support for Yours

It’s natural to vent to your friends, but being there for each other is supposed to be a two-way street. If someone unloads their laundry list of problems but doesn’t listen to yours, “they’re likely using you as their on-call therapist,” Hope Kelaher, LCSW, author of Here to Make Friends: How to Make Friends as an Adult, tells SELF. This one-directional dynamic could look like a person who constantly complains about their boss but changes the subject whenever you open up about your work-related stress. Or they dominate dinner conversations with their dating disasters, yet they’re “busy,” uninterested, or MIA when you need relationship advice.

Over time, investing all your time and energy into people who won’t give back can drain your energy, Leeds says, and leave you feeling neglected by a person who’s supposed to have your back.

3. They Only See You When It’s Convenient for Them

Maybe they insist on eating at restaurants near their place, which means you have to travel across town every single time. They only reach out when “better” plans fall through (“Hey, my dinner got canceled. What are you doing tonight?”), making you feel more like an afterthought than a priority. More subtly, perhaps they’re only interested in brief 15-minute coffee chats that fit their schedule instead of a dedicated dinner or movie night.

In a healthy relationship, there should always be a give-and-take, Kelaher says, meaning both people need to compromise. So it’s disheartening when, again and again, someone you’d do anything for won’t meet you halfway (sometimes literally).

4. They Make Time for Everyone Else

Your friend might be a workaholic or chronically forgetful (which, don’t get us wrong, is still frustrating). But that alone doesn’t mean your bond is one-sided.

Instead, “consider the bigger picture and ask yourself, ‘Is their behavior a reflection of not caring about me, or just a difference in availability and communication style?’” Leeds says. As an example, someone who takes five business days to reply to anyone’s messages may not be singling you out. What’s more telling, though, is if that same person who’s “too swamped” to text you regularly posts Instagram stories of brunches, dinners, and post-work meetups with others in their social circle. Or if your usually punctual friend (who’s known for being reliable) is comfortable canceling plans only with you. These inconsistencies, Kelaher says, suggest that they’re perfectly capable of showing up—just not for you.

5. They’re Not There When It Matters

Let’s say you mentioned how important it would be to have support at your first 5K race. A friend who truly cares might surprise you at the finish line with flowers, or at the very least shoot over a heartfelt “Good luck!” or “Congrats!” In a one-sided friendship, however, this kind of consideration may be missing entirely. They might downplay your achievement (“Sorry I couldn’t make it, but it was such a short race!”) or forget your big day without a hint of apology.

True friends go the extra mile to celebrate your successes and be there during tough moments. That’s why if someone repeatedly forgets significant events like your birthday, or rarely shows empathy for your challenges (like a scary medical procedure, a high-stakes presentation), they may not be as invested as they should be.