Meet Rachel, a woman who rarely complains and always seems to know what others need before anyone has to ask. She’s a master of adaptation, never asking for much, and is often described as ‘easy to be around.’ However, when it comes to making decisions, Rachel’s preferences often take a backseat to those of others.

Source: cdn2.psychologytoday.com

A Pattern of Deferral

Rachel once told me she couldn’t remember the last time she’d chosen the restaurant when she went out with others. She knew exactly what she liked and didn’t like, but when faced with a decision, something in her simply defers. As she explained it, ‘the craving doesn’t seem to be there.’ It’s as if a reflex has taken over, firing before she has a chance to notice her own desires.

This phenomenon is more common than we think. Many people, like Rachel, struggle to assert their own needs and preferences in the face of others. We often assume this is due to insecurity or a need to people-please. However, research suggests that this may be a deeper issue, one rooted in internal wiring.

The Science Behind Deferral

Studies have shown that when a child’s own signals, such as hunger or distress, are consistently met with attention, the brain develops a system that flags these signals as worth acting on in adulthood. Conversely, when registering one’s own needs comes with a cost, the system learns to flag others’ needs as imperative and to let one’s own drop below the threshold of things worth acting on.

This can lead to a pattern of deferral, where one’s own needs and preferences are consistently outweighed by those of others. Insight alone rarely fixes this pattern, as the problem lies in the moment a decision is forming, before reflection can even begin.

Breaking the Pattern

So, how do we break this pattern? The answer lies in practicing the intentional act of noticing a preference and letting it stand. This means engaging in small, low-stakes moments, such as picking the restaurant or naming the weekend plan, and allowing oneself to experience the discomfort of asserting one’s own desires.

Over time, this practice can strengthen the brain’s ability to notice and prioritize one’s own needs. It’s not a matter of willpower alone, but rather of developing a new pathway through repetition and practice.

The capacity to assert one’s own needs is not gone; it’s simply underbuilt. And what’s underbuilt can still be built. By acknowledging the quiet distinction between deference and people-pleasing, we can begin to break free from this pattern and develop a more authentic, self-aware way of being in the world.