The Unsettling Feeling of Hollow Appreciation
Who doesn’t like feeling appreciated? In a culture and at a time when cynicism can carry the day, others’ appreciation matters. We feel noticed, respected, and reassured. However, in recent times, I’ve encountered a peculiar phenomenon where ‘I appreciate you’ feels hollow, leaving me uneasy and questioning the true meaning behind these words.
Source: cdn2.psychologytoday.com
I recall a conversation with my wife, where she expressed her appreciation for my role as a dad. Her words were genuine and heartfelt, and I felt touched and motivated to continue being the best parent I can be. But when I received similar ‘I appreciate yous’ from coworkers, I felt a sense of obligation to reciprocate, yet something didn’t feel right. The sentiment seemed contrived, and I couldn’t shake off the feeling that it was being used as a way to manipulate or exert control.
Gratitude Shaming and the Psychology of Appreciation
As I delved deeper into the concept of gratitude shaming, I discovered that it’s a phenomenon where we shame ourselves or others for not feeling grateful enough. This can be particularly problematic in the workplace, where ‘I appreciate yous’ can be used as a subtle demand for reciprocal emotional warmth, inflated positivity, and contrived recognition. This can alter power dynamics in workplace relationships by pressuring others to withhold honest appraisal and curtail negative feedback through forced positivity.
Therapist Sahaj Kaur Kohli coined the term ‘gratitude shaming’ in 2020, describing the phenomenon of invalidating ourselves or others for underappreciating what we have. Since then, the term has expanded to include workplace situations, where ‘I appreciate yous’ can be interpreted as subtle demands for emotional warmth and contrived recognition.
The concept of performative intimacy is also relevant here. It refers to the practice of using emotional labor to create a sense of intimacy or connection with others. However, in the workplace, this can be used as a way to manipulate or control others, undermining trust and productivity.
Given the prevalence of ‘I appreciate yous’ in modern workplaces, it’s essential to understand the nuances of this phrase. Is it a genuine expression of appreciation or a performative act designed to exert control? The answer lies in the context and intentions behind the words.
As I pondered this question, I realized that the meaning of ‘I appreciate you’ has evolved over time. What was once a genuine expression of gratitude has become a performative verb, used to create a sense of intimacy or connection with others. While this may be a necessary adaptation in modern workplaces, it’s essential to recognize the power dynamics at play and the potential consequences of using ‘I appreciate yous’ as a tool for control.
In conclusion, the phrase ‘I appreciate you’ has become a complex and multifaceted expression that requires careful consideration. As we navigate the nuances of modern workplaces, it’s essential to recognize the power dynamics at play and the potential consequences of using ‘I appreciate yous’ as a tool for control. By doing so, we can create a more authentic and respectful work environment, where genuine expressions of appreciation can flourish.
