Narcissists: The Empty, Decadent Dessert of Relationships

A relationship with a narcissist is like eating a decadent piece of cake. At first, it’s satisfying, but if you make this a steady diet, you’ll feel just as hungry, or worse.

According to a new study by Michigan State University’s Gwendolyn Seidman and William Chopik, the ‘chocolate cake model’ is a useful framework for understanding the inevitable reversal from desire to dissatisfaction in a relationship with a narcissist. This model describes how the initial rush of attraction is followed by inevitable disappointment.

The Path from Admiration to Rivalry

The researchers propose that when admiration turns to rivalry, the early attraction flips to dislike. Unfortunately, once you’re hooked on the narcissist, you may not be able to extricate yourself. In long-term relationships, narcissists become manipulative, aggressive, and less likely to concede to their partners’ wishes.

Seidman and Chopik’s study used a nationally representative sample of over 12,000 German adults studied over 14 years. The analysis took advantage of the APIM approach, in which both the anchors and the partners were studied in relationship to each other over time. The findings generally supported the NARC framework but with several twists.

Rivalry scores were associated with lower relationship satisfaction, but these effects were stronger for the anchor than the partner. As the authors concluded, ‘narcissistic rivalry shapes how people construct their relationship experiences’… leading the highly narcissistic to expect ‘especially good outcomes.’

Narcissistic Rivalry: A Predictor of Long-Term Relationship Dissatisfaction

The study’s findings suggest that narcissistic rivalry maintained its position as a predictor of long-term relationship dissatisfaction. Whether the declines occurred in continuous or stepwise fashion (as during a major transition), the fact remains that a narcissistic partner is a bad bet.

In the first place, a narcissistic partner will have high expectations that, if not met, can lead to an overall pattern of devaluation. The partner could, as the authors go on to suggest, erode your sense of self-worth and autonomy. Having been hooked on this person in the early days of courting, you’ll find it difficult to extricate yourself and worse, come to believe this person’s constant fault-finding.

As you contemplate a new relationship, the findings provide you with some words of caution. That charming and engaging individual may be too good to be true. Look for signs suggesting that, even if not with you but with others, this person seeks to be the center of attention. Be on guard for when self-aggrandizement turns into devaluation of everyone else, especially you.

What if it’s too late, and you’re in this situation now? Assuming you want to remain with your partner, try to find a way to point out the hurt it causes when your partner starts to burst your self-esteem bubble. The study’s findings suggest that there are variations in the trajectories of relationships with narcissists over time. Stepping in and trying to change that trajectory can ensure that yours doesn’t suffer the fate of the chocolate cake.

To sum up, narcissists can prove to be unsatisfying as relationship partners, but knowing the risks can help you beat the odds and find fulfillment.

References:

• Seidman, G., & Chopik, W. J. (2026). From spark to strain? Changes in relationship satisfaction as a function of narcissistic admiration and rivalry. Journal of Personality. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.7006
• Brunell, A. B., and W. K. Campbell. 2011. “Narcissism and Romantic Relationships: Understanding the Paradox.” In The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatments, edited by W. K. Campbell and J. D. Miller, 344–350. John Wiley & Sons, Inc.